When I was 12, I woke up possessed in the middle of the night and got into a fight with the kitchen garbage can.
Okay, actually, I think I got up to go to the bathroom, ended up blacking out, wandered into the kitchen, got extra dizzy, tried to catch my balance on something that turned out to be the garbage can, it didn’t work, and fell over. My sister witnessed most of this and that’s where the “possessed” allegation comes into play. Yes, I can still walk when I am blacked out, I just can’t see where I am walking. It is when I am passed out that I lack motor skills.
Fast forward to my junior year at MSU, with a lot of blacking out along the way, and I spent a few mornings and afternoons in the emergency room. I thought I was going to die. At least, that is what I said and why I was driven to the emergency room, and I am pretty sure I really thought so. Now, these emergency room visits do not include the trips to the ER when I poisoned myself with the old Ragu sauce, the long leftover pizza and the 11 pm, right before they close, McDonald’s double cheeseburger. Oh yeah and when Grandma let me eat an entire watermelon in one sitting, that doesn’t count either. Never eat an entire watermelon… you may think a lot of water is good for you, you are wrong because I was wrong.
The doctors having no clue what to do started with my heart. I never should have brought up the fact that I had Kawasaki Disease when I was younger. That damn carpet. My mom drove to East Lansing and took me to Sparrow Hospital for every heart test the doctors could order. I was abused by a plastic monitor several times, I ran on a treadmill with wires hooked to me, I wore a monitor under my baggy pajama shirt for 24 hours completely wired to class and all, and the best was having an IV in my hand with meds to speed up my heart rate while being strapped to a table that flips you up and down. Result = I have a healthy heart! Yay. Check that off my list for the future. I can continue to eat fast food for every meal because it clearly doesn’t adversely affect me and when I compete in the Olympics as a super-athlete I won’t drop dead from some unknown heart issue.
Finally I agreed to do a glucose tolerance test. I think they wanted to do it earlier but I was too afraid of needles poking my arm. Bad experience with getting blood drawn when I was little…my mom would literally have to pry my fingers and toes off the door frame to get me out of the house and into the car to go to the doctor for blood draws – after she bribed me with the choice of a trip to Toys R Us or Major Magic for every appointment (every week), I got better.
Anywho, we went to do the sugar test and I had my blood drawn at least six times that day. I had an empty stomach and they fed me sugar in a Dixie cup. It was pretty terrible. I will never drink from a Dixie cup again. Turns out I have hypoglycemia.
Explains A LOT, examples include: why I’m always exhaaaausted, why I’m always dizzy, why I see checkerboards often, why my brain shuts down and I cannot make a rational decision until I eat, why I have to eat so often, why I have pulled off the freeway several times for sake of passing out while driving, why I get headaches 3 times a day, why my baby toe goes behind my other toes without me trying to make it do that, why my hands sometimes look like puppets, why my heart feels like it races and why I fight garbage cans. Knowing about my hypoglycemia explains a lot once you know me.
I personally blame my hypoglycemia on the following: why I have to eat at restaurants at least 4 nights per week, why I eat fast food (duh, because it is fast and I need food now), why I hit snooze on my alarm at least 5 times every morning, why I don’t drink coffee but energy drinks with the fake sugar are okay as long as they are mixed with vodka because I don’t notice the hypoglycemia effects when I’m drinking vodka, why I randomly cry, why I always have bruises from not looking where I am going before I go, why glass objects seem to go flying off tables near me, why I get super carsick, why anything I do that seems crazy is not really my fault.
SO, in order to try my best to avoid having the above reactions, I must avoid sugar, fruit, carbohydrates, alcohol and caffeine. My favorite things are sour patch kids, cinnamon sugar pop tarts, cinnamon toast crunch cereal, macaroni and cheese, all pasta, vodka and energy drinks. Yeah, are you kidding me? I’ve managed to really try to eat better and it does help. I can almost instantly tell when I have eaten too much sugar. It makes me semi-brain-dead pretty quickly.
Well if you have low blood sugar then why can’t you eat sugar? Because the reason my blood sugar drops so low is due to the way sugar is processed in my body. Thence, avoid sugar or substances processed in the body like sugar, avoids sugar dropping low! Ta-da!!
Hypoglycemia is super annoying. If I don’t get to eat what I need to eat I am limited in what I can do for the rest of the day. Once I screw up my diet, the only thing that helps is time. And to me the best way to pass time, is to sleep. I’m sure everyone I have ever worked with thinks “damn that girls eats a lot”. But stand corrected people, I don’t eat a lot, I eat often.
My family makes fun of how I get when I don’t eat and after being with me for a year and a half, my boyfriend understands their humor. At least I’m not actually possessed. Then they would have big problems, not me. I mean, what do you do with a possessed daughter? Take her to Major Magic and make sure she doesn’t attack the electronic singing bears when those curtains rush to the sides? Maybe.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Childhood Development
1. Duck tape doesn’t exist.
2. The Tooth Fairy has the same handwriting as my mom.
3. If you cry when you don’t get a gift on your sister’s birthday, you will get a gift on her birthday next year.
4. “Grandpa’s Medicine” in a sippie-cup always makes you fall asleep easier because the ingredients are warm Vernors and whiskey.
5. If mommy gets mad at daddy, you get a hamster.
6. If you can’t decide what to wear to school, you miss having to ride the bus.
7. Temper tantrums in public will cause your mother to forget who you are.
8. There are things you can spend your money on when it no longer becomes acceptable to buy toys.
9. “Because I said so” is what it is.
10. Unicorns actually have a nose.
2. The Tooth Fairy has the same handwriting as my mom.
3. If you cry when you don’t get a gift on your sister’s birthday, you will get a gift on her birthday next year.
4. “Grandpa’s Medicine” in a sippie-cup always makes you fall asleep easier because the ingredients are warm Vernors and whiskey.
5. If mommy gets mad at daddy, you get a hamster.
6. If you can’t decide what to wear to school, you miss having to ride the bus.
7. Temper tantrums in public will cause your mother to forget who you are.
8. There are things you can spend your money on when it no longer becomes acceptable to buy toys.
9. “Because I said so” is what it is.
10. Unicorns actually have a nose.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Laser'd
The day I got my magic eyes was May 9, 2011. I wore glasses for ten years and then glasses and contacts for another 11 years. According to my mom, the eye doctor discovered I was completely blind at age 6 and I thought glasses would be super cool to have ;) I got my way and got my glasses.
The glasses started to become not so cool in junior high school because they went with my spiral permed hair (with a pound of hair gel per day), black/turquoise/purple braces, Nike jumpsuits (with the elastic bands at the ankles, of course) and last name of “Siemen” way too well.
I desperately wanted contact lenses. It only took me about five visits to the eye doctor “practicing” how to put the contacts in that the assistant just put them in for me and sent me on my merry way. Problem: my contacts were in and they eventually needed to come out. I spent so much time bawling and screaming in the bathroom trying to get the damn plastic films off my eyeballs with no success that we called for help.
Somehow I was convinced to use the “float off” method. I dunked my entire face in a giant bowl of water and attempted to open my eyes wide to allow the contacts to merely float away from my eyeballs. FAIL!
No clue how I ended up getting those suckers out but it happened and during the following years I instructed numerous friends and family members on the application and removal of contact lenses. Those who learn the hard way are the very best teachers.
Contacts were my best friend. One time I got colored lenses, which hurt like hell but looked amazing, and used a different color in each eye. One green eye, one blue eye, awesome huh?
The spring of 2007 I was attacked by the fresh squeezed orange juice in Florida and have had terrible allergies ever since (well, until I got my magic eyes). These allergies involved me wanting to rip my nose and eyes off/out wash them off with some type of very soothing serum and reapply. Long story short, I could not wear contacts during my 4 month long allergy season. My glasses were terrible and made me extremely dizzy because they were soo thick. The prescription was so strong I could only look straight ahead in them, no sideways glances – I’m serious – so driving was a bit difficult. After dealing with the allergies for too long I made the decision to get laser’d. My boyfriend had gotten some type of it done and they screwed it up pretty bad but he still recommended it so what the hay!
Skip forward to the day of the lasering: I’m sitting in the patient waiting area after the lady gives me only one white pill when I know I really need two, and I’m listening to the entire surgery of the asian girl that is getting laser’d before me. They tell her to count down from 30 and voila she is done. That’s not so bad! I can totally count from 30.
I go in and my biggest fear (besides vomiting on the surgeon) was not being able to blink during the lasering. No big deal turns out because they clamp your eyeballs open so tight there is no way in hell you can blink and you are so freaking scared stupid that you don’t want to do anything to compromise eyeballs at this point. The surgeon is constantly applying a moist solution to your eyeballs so you really have no urge to blink which is fabulous.
Don’t read this paragraph if you don’t want to know. First they cut the flap with a little round saw thing and that is fine, no pain and so weird. Then the doctor lifts up the flap he just cut so you can stare at the red dot in the middle of the laser. You count from whatever number they tell you to count from and don’t expect it to be 30 like I did. I was all good with 30 and then they told me my lucky number was 75. 75!!!!!!? After 75, the lasering is done and on to the next eyeball. People warned me that there would be a weird smell in the air during the lasering but I didn’t breathe once during the procedure so I smelled nothing. Solved that!
So 75 is a pretty long time to count. I was comfortable with 30. Apparently when you have a prescription that is -12.00, 75 is your number. Yeah people, I could not see a damn thing. All you people who told me, oh my vision is really bad too and you have a -2.75 prescription, lucky you and you CAN see. I saw shadows and distorted shapes before my magic eyes.
I was sat up and told to look at the clock and tell them the time. I could see it! Holy hell, I still cannot believe it. I still cannot believe every day when I wake up I don’t have to put something on or in my eye to see, it is wonderful. I would highly recommend getting magic eyes to anyone. If I can do it, you can do it. I was shaking so badly while laying on the surgery table bed that they gave me a pillow to grip and the doctor scolded the lady for not giving me two white pills (knew it). After I saw that clock, I cried. I had to abruptly stop crying though because the doctor said I could mess up my magic eyes. They warned my boyfriend ahead of time that I was a basketcase and he took me home, I slept for the afternoon, kept my eyes shut as much as possible and drove myself to work the next morning! Ta-da!
Really the worst part of the whole thing was not being able to wear makeup for like 2 weeks after the procedure! However, I have fully recovered from that trauma.
The glasses started to become not so cool in junior high school because they went with my spiral permed hair (with a pound of hair gel per day), black/turquoise/purple braces, Nike jumpsuits (with the elastic bands at the ankles, of course) and last name of “Siemen” way too well.
I desperately wanted contact lenses. It only took me about five visits to the eye doctor “practicing” how to put the contacts in that the assistant just put them in for me and sent me on my merry way. Problem: my contacts were in and they eventually needed to come out. I spent so much time bawling and screaming in the bathroom trying to get the damn plastic films off my eyeballs with no success that we called for help.
Somehow I was convinced to use the “float off” method. I dunked my entire face in a giant bowl of water and attempted to open my eyes wide to allow the contacts to merely float away from my eyeballs. FAIL!
No clue how I ended up getting those suckers out but it happened and during the following years I instructed numerous friends and family members on the application and removal of contact lenses. Those who learn the hard way are the very best teachers.
Contacts were my best friend. One time I got colored lenses, which hurt like hell but looked amazing, and used a different color in each eye. One green eye, one blue eye, awesome huh?
The spring of 2007 I was attacked by the fresh squeezed orange juice in Florida and have had terrible allergies ever since (well, until I got my magic eyes). These allergies involved me wanting to rip my nose and eyes off/out wash them off with some type of very soothing serum and reapply. Long story short, I could not wear contacts during my 4 month long allergy season. My glasses were terrible and made me extremely dizzy because they were soo thick. The prescription was so strong I could only look straight ahead in them, no sideways glances – I’m serious – so driving was a bit difficult. After dealing with the allergies for too long I made the decision to get laser’d. My boyfriend had gotten some type of it done and they screwed it up pretty bad but he still recommended it so what the hay!
Skip forward to the day of the lasering: I’m sitting in the patient waiting area after the lady gives me only one white pill when I know I really need two, and I’m listening to the entire surgery of the asian girl that is getting laser’d before me. They tell her to count down from 30 and voila she is done. That’s not so bad! I can totally count from 30.
I go in and my biggest fear (besides vomiting on the surgeon) was not being able to blink during the lasering. No big deal turns out because they clamp your eyeballs open so tight there is no way in hell you can blink and you are so freaking scared stupid that you don’t want to do anything to compromise eyeballs at this point. The surgeon is constantly applying a moist solution to your eyeballs so you really have no urge to blink which is fabulous.
Don’t read this paragraph if you don’t want to know. First they cut the flap with a little round saw thing and that is fine, no pain and so weird. Then the doctor lifts up the flap he just cut so you can stare at the red dot in the middle of the laser. You count from whatever number they tell you to count from and don’t expect it to be 30 like I did. I was all good with 30 and then they told me my lucky number was 75. 75!!!!!!? After 75, the lasering is done and on to the next eyeball. People warned me that there would be a weird smell in the air during the lasering but I didn’t breathe once during the procedure so I smelled nothing. Solved that!
So 75 is a pretty long time to count. I was comfortable with 30. Apparently when you have a prescription that is -12.00, 75 is your number. Yeah people, I could not see a damn thing. All you people who told me, oh my vision is really bad too and you have a -2.75 prescription, lucky you and you CAN see. I saw shadows and distorted shapes before my magic eyes.
I was sat up and told to look at the clock and tell them the time. I could see it! Holy hell, I still cannot believe it. I still cannot believe every day when I wake up I don’t have to put something on or in my eye to see, it is wonderful. I would highly recommend getting magic eyes to anyone. If I can do it, you can do it. I was shaking so badly while laying on the surgery table bed that they gave me a pillow to grip and the doctor scolded the lady for not giving me two white pills (knew it). After I saw that clock, I cried. I had to abruptly stop crying though because the doctor said I could mess up my magic eyes. They warned my boyfriend ahead of time that I was a basketcase and he took me home, I slept for the afternoon, kept my eyes shut as much as possible and drove myself to work the next morning! Ta-da!
Really the worst part of the whole thing was not being able to wear makeup for like 2 weeks after the procedure! However, I have fully recovered from that trauma.
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